All Out of Love

Marriage.

Actually, let’s talk about divorce.  There are a lot of good reasons to end a marriage, but what I’m looking at is the reason most marriages are dissolved.

“I’m just not in love with him/her anymore.”

Well, you know what?  If you’re not in love anymore, you never were.  Admit that, and admit that you probably aren’t capable of love at all.  Particularly if you want a divorce so that you can go to another marriage with someone you do love.

You don’t love this person any more than you loved the person you’re married to.

Take a good look at it.  To say that love is gone is to say that the love for your children is gone, or the love for your animals, or for your parents.  It just doesn’t happen.  Either you feel love or you don’t.

This particular delusion about love, and falling out of love, is pretty rampant.  Leaving behind a string of exes in the search for your “one true love” is as American as McDonald’s.  And it’s ridiculous.  You might as well admit that, when you hit your third divorce, you’re not capable of love.  Whatever in your past has rendered you incapable of “staying in love,” deal with it and move on.  Stay single, and quit it!

Okay, let’s talk about a marriage in which you feel “trapped.”  You just don’t feel “it” anymore.  You’re not being cheated on, you’re not being beaten, you’re not being told every day that you’re a steaming pile of crap from the time you get up to the time you go to bed.  Deal with it.  There is no reason to dissolve a marriage in which nothing bad is happening, just because you don’t “love” your spouse anymore.  Whatever put you in that marriage in the first place is the same thing that you’re dealing with now.  Whatever it was that caused you to exchange vows with that person – she was comfortable to be around, he made you laugh, whatever, that still exists.  It may have altered for you because you’ve gotten bored with it, but it’s still there.  There’s no reason to end a marriage just because you’re “out of love.” 

All you want is the chance to search for the love you thought you found with this person.  And you’re not going to find it. 

You won’t find it.  You can’t find love, it has to be inside you.

There isn’t anything wrong with remaining in a marriage and pursuing your own interests.  I’m not talking about cheating, I find that abhorrent and I come from a long line of adulterers (literally), but hey, if it’s acceptable to both of you, go for it.  Pursuing your own interests means you develop your own circle of friends, your own hobbies, your own groups, and you get on with your life.

Again, I’m not saying stay with someone who’s abusive – and that covers a lot of territory – or cheating.  I’m talking about a spouse who’s going to be totally shocked and devastated when you wake up some morning and say, “I don’t love you anymore and I want a divorce.”

This is the adult equivalent of “I’m sick of this toy and I want to play with something else.  I’m bored.  Mommy, buy me something else.”

Nobody is going to buy you love.

This is the life that you bought.  Live with it, there are no returns.

Now, let’s explore my personal favorite for walking away from a stable but boring marriage.  “He’s neglecting me.”  You have a husband who’s a doctor or an executive or a lawyer who works 16 to 20 hours a day building his practice or screwing the competition or whatever.  And you feel neglected.

If he was doing this when you married him, and you thought, “Oh, boy, I’m marrying someone who’s bright and ambitious – and rich (or will be someday),” get over it.  If you’re bored, it’s probably because you’re boring.  He might be bored with you, but he has his work.  Find something to do, go back to college, join some social or volunteer organization, start your own business, just do something.

And, if you’re one of those professionals whose spouse stood by you through the lean years, through the learning and building process, and you walk away after you’re successful to trade him or her in on a newer model, then your soon-to-be ex deserves to get 75% of your gross income for eternity, no questions asked.

The upshot of all this is that most marriages these days, because of movies, books and TV, are begun in the heat of passion.  Not love, heat.  It’s exciting, it’s new.  What people don’t want to understand is that that fades.  What you have then is a comfort level.

If you had nothing in common in the beginning except sex, or doing exciting things together, people get tired and slow down, and sex decreases.

The intensity is going to fade.

You’re both going to grow up, change, move in the same or different directions, and learn new things.  But that doesn’t mean you need to walk away.

If you do, you walk into another relationship of fire and passion, and that’s going to fade, too.  It’s always going to fade.  You can’t be in a relationship for thirty years and have the same intensity the relationship had in the first year (or even before the wedding – most people have been in full relationships for months or years before walking down the aisle).  It’s going to fade, life is going to change, children usually come, you go through houses and cars and jobs, financial status changes for worse or better, and you grow.  You’re going to have fights, people in your family are going to have fights, they’re going to die or move or disagree with you.  Relationships alter.  These things are normal, and no reason to walk away.

Just as the world is not here to amuse you and keep you stimulated, your spouse isn’t there to amuse you and keep you stimulated.  Marriage is a partnership, both of you bringing something into it.  If you’re bored, again, it’s likely that you’re slacking some on your part of the bargain.  Do something.

I do not claim to be a marriage expert.  In fact, I don’t believe that anyone should be married.  But, if you’re married, it is your duty to stay till death do you part.  Not until Bored do you part.